Goze Law # 56

Stop taking pics of yourself in the mirror! The flash kills it every time. Whatever it is, it can wait till a pal gets home.

Goze Law #9

Do not wear a tie with a short sleeve shirt unless you are over the age of 77 or a struggling used car salesman...or Dwight K. Schrute. 

Goze Law #10

When speaking to a foreigner it is important to speak as loudly and as slowly as possible. This is the best way to make your point. Hand signals are also a plus. 

Goze Law #15

Never and I mean never compare your girlfriend or wife to another woman, especially your mother.  Trust me, no man has ever gotten a blow job after saying "wow you look just like Shakira only shorter and with smaller boobs." 

Goze Law #17

When set up on a blind date, only meet with the girl if her voice is deeper than Jennifer Tilly's but not as deep as Laila Ali's.

Goze Law #22

Re-gifting is Ok so long as it is done out of state and with someone you don't like.

Goze Law #24

When choosing a personalized license plate, run the idea by ten people first. If more than three of them don't get what you are trying to spell, you are a douche bag and are banished from personalized license plates for one year at which time you may repeat this process again.

Goze Law #33

Dancing with the stars and American Idol are only Ok to watch live. Tivoing said shows will cause your Tivo to catch fire.

Goze Law #35

All instructions on frozen food are bullshit. Always heat food 1 extra minute per every 3 minutes instructed. The only exception to this rule are hot pockets. Those become nuclear when using this formula.

Goze Law #39

Bar soap is for chumps. What you don't know about that bar of soap is that it was just cuddling with someone else's nuts. Switch to body wash now before you make an epic mistake that will haunt you for the rest of your life.